INSIGNIFICANT CHARACTER

Insignificant character that is what you said you were...at that moment I took you as just that...however as time passed you gained significance ...your smile left me mesmerised...your smell intoxicated me...i got drunk of you...your mind excited me...I wanted to feed off you...i wanted you to feed me with your knowledge...you were the intellectual type that read a lot...my kind of guy...or at least that's what I thought... you were the insignificant character...will you ever gain significance? that is what I asked myself ...insignificant is that all you will ever be? will I remembered you as the insignificant character when you possessed so much more...knowing that you knew you were so much more slowly teared my heart apart ...insignificant character why did you gain significance? did you want to be significant or was it just me, that saw you as a significant character in My life? insignificant character...why did I allow you to gain significance? after all is said and done...you will be remembered as the insignificant character that gained significance, you defied the odds...you made me smile, you let me down, you made me laugh, you lied, you stressed me out, you made me happy, but I knew from the word go that you were the insignificant character, but I chose to believe otherwise. One of the sweetest things I've ever known and you will always hold a dear and special place in my heart...insignificant character

I thought it was a crush but it might just be LOVE

I got introduced to you early 2007. We met through a mutual friend. At first I didn't understand what you were about and till this day I must say that I don't quite understand you yet. Our relationship started as an embrio with me not knowing anything about you , apart from the preconseived ideas I had. You are intelligent, creative, charming, funny, conscious, artistic, soulful, sensual and at times oh so sexual. You make me want to feed my hunger for knowledge, I feed off you, you inspire me to want to know more. Are you the way of life? Are you the one for me? I have met a whole lot of interesting people like you who don't differ much from you, maybe you are so a like because you have one thing in common ME.

BUBBLE OF JOY

I'm a bubble of joy floating around, can you see me? I just passed you. I shared my joy with you . Did you feel it? Positive vibrations all around... You may ask why? I say because I choose to be. I choose to be happy, I choose to wake up with a smile on my face and appreciate the fact that I woke to see another day. Nothing but blue skies and butterflies in my world even though there is nothing but grey winter skies outside. I am happy because I am overflowing with self love, yes love of self. I love me, me, me, yes me , myself and I the woman that is Zora. I have never been this happy in my life and I am going to cling to it for as long as I can. Damnit I going to suck this feeling dry. Apart from love of self I am happy because I have the most amazing people in my life whom I love like you could never imagine, to know how I love them you have to be ME. Bukelwa, Thobela, Lenise these are three phenomenal women who I consider to be some of my best friends and I appreciate them for who they are and the value they add in my life. We have our differences and they know I am not the sweetest of people to be around with but they understand me and I love them for that. Bukelwa and Thobela used to call me a bitch on a daily basis and I didn't mind because at that point in time I was exactly that a BITCH. These days I am all smiles and they keep asking me why and I tell them because I can and they are loving it. Mna I am loving them loving me being happy. Then there is Lenise my little SUNSHINE, she always has my back and always manages to put a smile on my face just nje because she can. She is after all Lenise Lana Lewellyn a humdinger (one that is extra ordinary or remarkable) of a woman and a superduper cool friend. Then of course there is the super phenomenal woman who I like to call mommy, a woman of strenght, a creator and a nuturer. Always there for me through good or bad times. I could go on and on about her but I choose to stop right there. I love her, I love her, I love her. Some other people who have played a role in my Joy are my cyber friends and some friends that came and fit in perfectly in the puzzle that is called Zora. Zona Mpendulo whom I went to Tek with and never really got a chance to talk to but our paths met again because they were destined. I met her in Cape Town and we got a long like a house on fire. Our friendship is very immature at this stage as it is still in its early stages of development but I have a feeling that it will grow and develop to be a strong and mature friendship that will last for sometime to come. I love her smile and like Amel Larrieux says your smile could heal a million souls.All these people have played a part in bringing back my joy or rather helping me find my joy and for that I say much thanx. You are appreciated

Mary- Jane...I used to love her

I had a friend not so long ago...Mary-Jane was her name. I used to love spending time with her. She was a natural beauty. I never knew our relationship could blossom into the beautiful friendship that we had. She was not my type, she was the girl my mother warned me about. She was hated by many and loved by just as much. They used to talk about our friendship. They'd ask what's a good girl like me doing with the likes of Mary-Jane. They didn't know her like I knew her. Mary-Jane was my friend, she was there when I was up, she was there when I was down, she was always there when I needed her. She was never too busy. She was like Jarule, always there when I called and always on time. She gave me her all as well. Sometimes she would be mean to me but that never ended our friendship, in fact it made it stronger. It made me love her more because I would be surprised of what she is capable of. aaaaaaah Mary we were good together. I used to hate it though when you thought you were in control of me. You used to stand as a tower above me and make me sleep when I didn't want to, be quiet, distant and sometimes laugh for no apparent reason. Damn you Mary, but I aint mad, I used to enjoy that. When we were together I was convinced that the best times in life were High. Mary was a good friend of mine ,with her satisfaction was guaranteed all the time. Unfortunately all good things come to an end so I had to end my friendship with the lovely Mary. I gave her the speech: Look BABE,it's not you but definitely me. You have been nothing but good to me but I can't do this anymore. I need space, I need a reality check. I need to be my own person and stop being dependent on you. Mary I love you but as the old cliche says if you love something set it free. I did just that I turned my back on Mary and must say it was and still is hard. I do miss her sometimes but I have to be strong. I do bump into her sometimes because we have mutual friends but I keep my distance and love her for respecting my decision and staying the hell away from me. Oh Mary bekumnandi ukwazi...I see you still continuing doing what you do best and making people happy and all I can say is keep up the good work.

why can't i say i am black?

I am a child of mixed races. If we were in America I would call myself biracial but then again we are not. My mother is Xhosa and my father is coloured and, in essence, they are both black. So why can’t I say I am black?

As I was growing up I had to defend and justify who and what I am. I was too black to be coloured and too coloured to be black. Sounds weird, nuh?

Well, the thing is when I was with coloured people I was this "kroeskop" girl and they felt the need to speak English to me and would be amazed at the fact that I could speak Afrikaans.

As I grew older and I met Xhosa people they would look at me and ask “Sorry, are you Xhosa”? I would say yes and ask why and their response would be: "It's just that you look coloured.” Then they would add: “You must have a bit of colouredness in you.”

So my experience has been that upon meeting someone for the first time, I have had to tell them my life story. I tell them about my parents and that it has resulted in a "beautiful cocktail", which is me.

But why should I have to explain and justify my blackness? I have found that if I say that I am Xhosa, the next question is "ungumni" (what’s your clan name)? As I don't have one, they say I must be coloured.

Why can't I just be me? Why should I justify my blackness by putting an ethnic label before it? Why can’t I say I am black and be accepted. Better yet why can’t I say I am an African because in essence that is what I am?

I am 24 years young and still have to explain myself. At technikon my friends named me a "mix", so they now refer to me as Mix. I don’t care what they call me, I know who I am. I am Zora, black, bald and butted. I am my own person and don’t need anything or anyone to validate me.

So, call me what you want to call me, Xhosa, Coloured or mix, but I will remain the beautiful cocktail that I am.

i want to be a gay man

I want to be a gay man

This was my first time at a gay club. Wow, that was some trip.

I lived in a commune with three gay men. They constantly talked about Bronx which is a gay club and is apparently "off the hook". Every Sunday we would sit in the lounge and they would talk about the hotties they met at Bronx.

They would constantly nag me about going there and assured me several times that I would have a super time. They would invite me to come along but I would always decline because I thought: what am I, a straight black female gonna do at gay club?

They (my gay housemates) would simply reply, "perv over the hot men". So one Friday I decided to go and see what all the hype was about. I wanted to see what I was missing out on. So I went with my roommate and one of my gay housemates.

Oh, my goodness all I can say is, the men, glorious men, it was raining men! Damn were they beautiful! Note I said beautiful and not handsome. I tell you I have never seen so many beautiful men in one room.

I wanted to be a gay man. I didn't want to turn them straight; I wanted to be them and experience what they were going through. They were kissing and feeling each other and I must admit I had some oh my gosh, no he didn't just touch his...moments.

Damn, those men were pretty and some of them were oh, so feminine. I must say I felt a bit embarrassed to be a female because some of those queens seemed to be more woman then I am. Yes, that night I decided that I wanted to be a gay man.

my mom's black eye

There is only one thing in this world that infuriates me and that is the abuse of women. I can't stand it - the thought of it unleashes this rage within that makes me want to scream and destroy every man that has ever laid a hand on a woman.

You would ask why? Maybe it's because I grew up in a household where there was abuse. I remember my mom having a black eye. I remember seeing blood. I remember screaming, shouting and cursing. I remember having sleepless nights. I saw it, I lived it and I hated it.

My dad would come home drunk and talk a lot of rubbish. He would curse. It is amazing how alcohol can change a person. I love my dad. But there were times where I would wish he would go away and never return. Just imagine: it's Saturday and you would be worried and praying that he would come home sober. Imagine crying yourself to sleep because you feel so helpless that you couldn't help your mother.

Yes I was just a child. What could I do? Going to school with your eyes swollen because you were crying the whole night; having to lie to your friends and say you had a rough night. I couldn't sleep that was my story and I stuck to it. Being in class and thinking what the hell is happening at home because you left your parents at home.

Thinking just maybe while I am at school there is a continuation of last night's boxing match. Coming home and not having your parents speak to each other for more than a week. As I grew older it continued. Then I decided to become vocal. I decided to say no, but still that didn't help.

Rather now I became a victim of verbal abuse; I was being called a bitch. He said that I was taking my mother side. I didn't see what my mother was doing wrong. I mean really all I could see was him beating my mom. I would always ask myself why she didn't leave him.

Most children wanted their parents to stay together. Most of my friends were raised by single parents and I used to be so envious. While on the flip side my friends wanted to be me. They wanted a father figure while I wished I didn't. Mommy, why didn't you leave?

Now I know the answer and that was because of me and my brother and sister. She loved us too much. My parents have been together for 25 years and the last incident of abuse was last year (2006).

The bastard bashed a plate against her forehead. My mother is a strong woman and I love her for that. She is my role model; however, I don't want to be like her. I am 24 years old and I have never had a decent relationship because deep down inside I have this secret hatred of men.

I have never been struck by a man and I dread the day that any man would ever lay his hand on me. Now when I meet a guy I have this tendency of fishing and trying to find out if he would ever lay his hand on a woman. I must say I've been lucky because I have come across very gentle men.

No man has the right to beat a woman. Men who beat women are cowards. Even though he has left images in my mind that would haunt me forever, I still love my dad. My mom is a strong woman and she has been through a lot. She has endured a lot of pain and I still ask myself why she stayed. I guess that is the abuse you have to endure when you have children.